Acid Tears

I cried, not because I was hurt. I cried because I hadn't mourned your death. I know there's still a glimmer of hope that you're still alive, but what am I to think when there's no body and all that's been presented to me has been ashes?  I think of all the times I was a let down to you. Those times have been overcrowded by the times you've shown me mercy and kindness. Still, they break free every once in a while and it hurts. Oh, how it hurts. They spring forth like acrid, acidic tears that burn as the roll down my cheeks and plop onto the floor. I don't know how to feel anymore and I just cry. I know it's not from sadness, I stopped being sad a long time ago. I feel like it's just all the leftover emotions seeking release.

I ramble.

Sad Song

There are some days where you just want to use the sharp blade of a slow song to make you bleed. It's really quite therapeutic.

Lykke Li - Silent My Song

Christina Aguilera - You Lost Me

P!nk - Glitter in the Air

Relationships

I'd really like to know, if anyone out there in the known uni has a chance to come across this, how have you been burned by someone you love?  Are you able to look at it objectively and see your fault in it?  I'm referring to seeing how you, the one that got burned, had a part to play in your own demise.

We've all had relationships of various intensities in our lives.  Maybe there was that one significant other that you fell head over heels in love with, until you found out they were ripped straight out of one of Stephen King's novels (psycho much?).  What about those that had beautiful relationships, the stuff of legends, until someone made a stupid mistake.

Regardless, it's interesting to see how the heart reacts to these things. It's interesting to see how the heart goes to battle with the mind.  You know you shouldn't forgive them, but you just can't stand to be without.  You keep playing your and their every action in your head over and over again to see where it all went wrong.

These things happen to all of us, the toughest and the weakest, it's just that not everyone likes to talk about it or be open with how they felt about it. Why? It's pretty simple if you think about it. Insecurity.  Not in the sense you might be thinking, but more along the lines of: "If I speak up, I'll be the loser, I'll be the weak one." or "What if they think what I'm thinking is weird, or they think I'm stupid because of this?"  The mightiest of warriors can still have the weakest of hearts.

Final thought:  Just be aware that you're not alone.  Other people are feeling your pain too, and most importantly: nothing is permanent, you'll pull through.

.

Friendship

Do I need anything? I'm not sure what you mean by that! when I really needed you, you weren't there for me and now you'd just like to gloss it all over... so you ask: "Do you need anything?"

The truth is, Yes, I do need something. I need you to get over your insecurities and let things be as beautiful as they once were. I need you to man up and apologize for the way you handled the situation. I need you to actually treat the wound and not let it scab over with this viral infection. Yet, if none of that works, what I really need, what I truly need, is to turn my heart to stone once more.

A year Later.
I suppose the virus took hold. The infection festered and the limb was discarded. Who am I kiddin' a limb is something you would've considered useful. You had no use for me. I wish things could've been different. I wish that your insecurities were tamed by you. I wish that you and I could have been Jonathan and David. I would've settled to be Jonathan. I wish that, come forty years from now we could've been crotchedy old buds together and not some distant memory in our potholed minds. I wish that my daughter would've had you as an uncle. I wish, I wish, I wish... and yet that's all they are, aren't they? Just wishes.
Good bye David.

Black Friday

 

http://www.blackfriday.info/

 

http://www.gottadeal.com/

 

http://bfads.net/

 

FW: Friday

 

So, this was what my Friday was like.  We were at the parking lot to Target.

 

I was on my way in to the store with my wife and a van was parked in the pedestrian cross walk.  I guess he was letting somebody out or something.  We’re right at the front side of the driver’s window when the guy starts to accelerate, I stop my wife abruptly and gesture for the dude to go ahead. I say something like obviously it’s more important to you to go, so go ahead, you go first!  His window is rolled up and he’s telling me to go first and he’s repeating it multiple times.  So, my wife and I go around the front of the van and proceed to the entrance of the store.  I hear that he’s rolling his window down and so I loudly say that some people obviously don’t know how to drive, like this idiot (I wanted to make sure he heard bc I was pissed).  

 

So we go into the store and we start shopping.  You know, we needed curtains to our apartment because you can see everything through the blinds, you know?  Then the dude comes storming up the isle and he asks if I was the dude from the parking lot, I say I am and he starts off about me mumbling out there and him not hearing what I had said.  I told him I didn’t mumble, that I was pretty clear and that I called him in IDIOT because of his driving tactics.  He was already standing pretty close when he stormed up on me, like about three feet away from me, at that point in our conversation, my wife and I are holding hands and I move her behind me and let her go.  He then cuts his distance from me in half and I can smell all the stale and unclean odors from him.  He smells like cigarette smoke and stale BO and just a huge mess of nastiness (BTW the dude is just as tall as I am and twice my width in blubber).  I’m not paying attention to what he’s saying at this point, he’s yelling, I’m replying to piss him off and I’m paying attention to his body language.  He starts to pull his fist back and then tightens it, I’m relishing the adrenaline flowing through my body and I’m just asking for him to take the first swing so I can break his jaw.  I was really craving the fight at about that point.  I don’t lose eye contact with him as his body is tensing up and he’s puffing his chest out.  Then, out of nowhere, he deflates.  Walks off and says something about how it’s people like me that make this world… and he just leaves.  

 

My wife and I resume our shopping and I later regret the fact that I really wanted him to swing so I could hurt him and you know… I’m not a violent person so I’m really in the dumps about the fact that I really wanted to hurt him…  yeah, that was that.